Junk-Oh!-Meter

Let’s take a moment to bask in the irony, shall we? In the grand city of Chicago, where gun control laws are about as stringent as they come, there’s a person shot every two hours and 45 minutes. Murder? Oh, that’s just every 14 hours and seven minutes—like clockwork. So far this year, we’re approaching a neat 450 people shot and killed, with a charming 2,078 others wounded. Total homicides? A modest 500. Really, who’s even counting at this point?

Now, let’s run through some of the more delightful specifics. Around 120 unfortunate souls were shot in the head—78 of them somehow survived. The chest? Ah, that’s 98 people dead, 110 wounded. A casual 18 met their end with a gunshot to the neck, while 57 were injured. Last year’s murder count hit 557, which is apparently a big win compared to the 621 in 2022 and the staggering 734 in 2021. But hey, we’re down to about 450 this year, so clearly, things are improving. I guess Chicago’s just “weeding out” the people who, you know, “need to be gotten rid of.” Progress, right?

But here’s the real kicker—because, yes, there’s more. A heartbreaking 77% of the victims are Black, 20% are Hispanic, and a mere 3% are white. Of course, gun control is “working wonders” here in Chicago, with a full 90% of these murders being gun-related. You’ve got to love that little irony—laws are as tight as a drum, but the bullets just keep flying.

Now, for the pièce de résistance—because who doesn’t enjoy the occasional absurdity—let’s talk about the rear ends and private areas. Yep, about 100 people have been shot in the butt this year. But wait, it gets better: over 30 have taken a bullet to the private parts. These numbers are almost too good to be true, aren’t they? I mean, you just can’t make this stuff up.

And when Trump complains about urban violence, we all just shake our heads, right? Sure, Chicago’s got its issues, but St. Louis? Now that is a violent city. Chicago’s just playing catch-up.