In The Superior Court of Common Sense
IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF COMMON SENSE
FOR THE STATE OF PERPETUAL DISAPPOINTMENT
COUNTY OF FROZEN FLORIDIANS
PAUL TRUESDELL, Individually and on
Behalf of All Others Similarly Situated,
Including but not limited to:
Confused Retirees,
Those Who Packed Shorts for February,
Golf Cart Operators with Frozen Fingers,
Citizens Central Florida Who Own Zero Winter Coats,
Plaintiffs,
v.
THE INTERNATIONAL METEOROLOGICAL ASSOCIATION
OF WEATHER PEOPLE, PROGNOSTICATORS,
AND VOODOO WITCH DOCTORS;
PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL (a/k/a "That Lying Rodent");
THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE ("NWS");
MOTHER NATURE (in her personal and official capacities);
AL GORE (for good measure);
APPLE WEATHER APP;
JOHN DOE WEATHERMEN NOS. 1-500;
and ALL OTHER PERSONS UNKNOWN who have
ever said "It never gets that cold in Florida,"
Defendants.
Case No. COLD-AS-HECK-2025-001
CLASS ACTION COMPLAINT FOR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS,
SHATTERED EXPECTATIONS, AND EXTREME SHIVERING
COME NOW, the Plaintiffs, by and through their undersigned counsel, and for their Class Action Complaint against the above-named Defendants, state and allege as follows:
NATURE OF THE ACTION
1. This is an action for declaratory and injunctive relief, compensatory damages, punitive damages, restitution, and blankets arising from Defendants' systematic, willful, wanton, and downright rude misrepresentation of what February in Central Florida is supposed to feel like.
2. Plaintiffs moved to Florida specifically to escape this nonsense. They were told—nay, promised—by weather forecasters, travel brochures, their cousin Vinnie from New Jersey, and that guy at the pickleball courts that Florida would be warm. This was a lie of epic proportions.
3. On or about January 31, 2025, and continuing into February 1, 2025, Defendants caused, permitted, facilitated, encouraged, or otherwise failed to prevent temperatures in Ocala, Florida, to plunge to a low of TWENTY-TWO DEGREES FAHRENHEIT (22°F). This is not a typo. This is not a joke. This is grounds for litigation.
THE PARTIES
4. Plaintiff PAUL TRUESDELL is a citizen and resident of Ocala, Florida, who has lived here long enough to know better but still holds out hope for consistent warmth. He is the Lead Plaintiff and Chief Shiverer.
5. The Class consists of all persons who: (a) reside in 55+ retirement communities in Central Florida; (b) own more pairs of flip-flops than closed-toe shoes; (c) have told their Northern relatives "you can keep that cold weather, we're playing golf in January"; and/or (d) are currently wearing three layers and still complaining.
6. Defendant THE INTERNATIONAL METEOROLOGICAL ASSOCIATION OF WEATHER PEOPLE, PROGNOSTICATORS, AND VOODOO WITCH DOCTORS is an alleged organization of persons who claim to predict weather with "science" but who, upon information and belief, actually use Magic 8-Balls, arthritic joints, and wild guessing.
7. Defendant PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL is a groundhog of dubious credibility residing in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Phil has repeatedly made representations regarding the arrival of spring that have been materially false, misleading, and apparently pulled straight from his furry little behind.
8. Defendant MOTHER NATURE is believed to be an omnipresent entity with a twisted sense of humor, currently being sued in both her personal and official capacities for what can only be described as cosmic practical jokes.
9. Defendant APPLE WEATHER APP is a software application that had the audacity to display a forecast showing temperatures of 22°F as if this were normal or acceptable behavior for a Florida February, instead of issuing a formal apology.
FACTUAL ALLEGATIONS
10. Plaintiffs incorporate by reference all preceding allegations as if fully set forth herein, because that's what lawyers do.
11. For decades, Defendants have represented, warranted, implied, suggested, hinted, winked at, and outright promised that Florida is the "Sunshine State" and that Central Florida enjoys "mild winters."
12. In reasonable reliance on these representations, Plaintiffs made life-altering decisions including but not limited to: selling their snow blowers; donating their parkas to Goodwill; making fun of their relatives in Michigan; and posting smug photos on Facebook with captions like "Greetings from Paradise! ☀️" and "You shovel, I golf!"
13. The temperature of 22°F is lower than the temperature of a refrigerator (35-38°F), and alarmingly close to the temperature of a household freezer (0°F). Plaintiffs did not move to Florida to live inside an appliance.
14. Making matters worse, the forecast shows that Sunday, February 2, will see temperatures drop even further to 22°F low with a high of only 45°F. This is the kind of weather that causes iguanas to fall from trees, which is both dangerous and frankly undignified for everyone involved.
15. By Monday, the weather will allegedly "warm" to a high of 54°F, which Defendants apparently expect us to be grateful for. The audacity.
16. Plaintiffs specifically note that the only day showing temperatures approaching anything reasonable is Wednesday, which forecasts a high of 68°F but with a 45% chance of rain, because apparently we cannot have nice things.
DAMAGES SUFFERED
17. As a direct and proximate result of Defendants' conduct, Plaintiffs have suffered and continue to suffer the following damages:
(a) Emotional distress from having to text "It's cold here too!" to relatives;
(b) Loss of consortium with swimming pools;
(c) Emergency purchase of fleece jackets at unreasonable markup;
(d) Cancelled tee times;
(e) Frost on windshields requiring scraping (an activity specifically fled from);
(f) Increased heating bills that frankly feel like a betrayal;
(g) Humiliation from wearing socks with sandals as the only viable footwear solution;
(h) General existential crisis regarding life choices.
PRAYER FOR RELIEF
WHEREFORE, Plaintiffs pray that this Honorable Court enter judgment in their favor and against Defendants, and award the following relief:
(a) An immediate injunction requiring temperatures in Central Florida to remain above 60°F at all times;
(b) Compensatory damages in the amount of one (1) working thermostat per household;
(c) Punitive damages to be determined by jury, payable in warm blankets;
(d) A formal written apology from Mother Nature, notarized;
(e) The immediate retirement and replacement of Punxsutawney Phil with a more reliable rodent;
(f) All weather forecasters be required to precede cold forecasts with the phrase "We're sorry, but...";
(g) Attorney's fees, costs of suit, and one large cup of hot cocoa;
(h) Such other and further relief as this Court deems just, proper, and toasty.
DEMAND FOR JURY TRIAL
Plaintiffs hereby demand a trial by jury on all issues so triable, preferably a jury composed entirely of people who have also been lied to about Florida weather.
Respectfully submitted (while shivering),
___________________________________
PAUL TRUESDELL, Pro Se
Chief Plaintiff & Head Complainant
Ocala, Florida
(Currently wrapped in a blanket)
TO JOIN THIS CLASS ACTION:
Contact Paul Truesdell if you wish to join this distinguished
class of frozen Floridians seeking justice, warmth, and perhaps
a refund on the whole "Sunshine State" concept.
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of humor and satire.
No actual lawsuit is being filed. Please don't sue the groundhog.
He has enough problems.
